Is it just me, or is this time of the year filled with contradicting emotions?
On one hand ‘tis the season to be jolly! And on the other ‘tis the season for looking back on the year and wondering what was that?! Did I accomplish anything or at least half the things I wanted to?
It is the flood of emotions that come with looking back to the year that was- while enjoying the merrymaking -while anxiously waiting for the new year -that brings with it the contradictions I speak of. Oh December! Every year you bring me the same old anxieties. Measuring current me up to a past self whilst wondering if the new year will truly bring a new me?
At the same time, I constantly remind myself to stay grounded and enjoy the present. The spirit of joy and relaxation brought about by the holidays begs me to stay right here in the present moment. It beckons and calls and many a time I gladly respond and allow myself to be swept up in it all.
But right in the midst of it, like an unwelcome guest, the daunting idea of starting a whole other 365 days, going through the same motions, doing the same things, fighting the same battles….creeps up on me.
What is life but Sisyphus persisting?
And then there is hope..
Hope is the prayer that things will change, that our loved ones will be healthy, that this year will be better than the last, that we will finally be happy.
The only problem with hope, as I see it, is that it can be flimsy. For an anxious person, catastrophic thinking is more reliable (and at least comes with a pleasant surprise when we’re wrong). If you’re like me, you know that “wishing” and “wanting” are often immediately followed by a deeper layer of fear: what if what I wish for doesn’t come true? – Esther Perel
The trouble with hope is that, it is what kills you. The constant wanting and wishing for things that sometimes never comes to pass. The character Red from the Shawshank Redemption tells his fellow inmate Andy, “Hope is a dangerous thing, it can drive a man insane.” In this context Red has been in prison a long long time, he has long abandoned hopes of getting out and he would rather accept his fate than tell himself stories of freedom.
This is where I agree with him, the more you hope, the bigger the disappointment when the things you hope for never come to pass. Many times I think it is better to not be hopeful at all.
But then again Esther Perel adds “Closing ourselves off to the possibility that things will get better doesn’t protect us from getting hurt. Unfortunately, it only ensures that nothing will change.” You see if you cannot dream a new dream, imagine a different future, hope for something new then you will never have anything to work towards. All that will be is the dreary existence you have come to know so well.
So despite the angst, the despair, the anxieties, hope we must!
Like happiness, hope is not logical, but nothing about trust and faith is logical. It doesn’t make it any less important. There is a saying in Judaism, “na’aseh v’nishma” — “we will do and then we will understand.” – Esther Perel
'two roads diverged...' 